Another double poster, the last of my travel logs finally up.
A month overseas. Not long enough. Too long.

Expect all this to be in new digs soon.

-

Well.
Konichiwa.
Or, you know, whatever.

Japan. What can I say about Japan. Good old Japan, home of the imports, the sake, the Japanese school girls. Ah. Where to begin.

My Hotel I guess.
I have to say I'm somewhat dissapointed in it. It seems to be lacking the essentials of Japanese life, namely, vending machines stocked with used panties and hookers. While admittedly, I haven't tried ordering a massage for 2am from room service (I'm curious if at midnight it turns from massage into the 'midnight special'), and given that the massage I DID have yesterday was performed by a unattractive 50 year old man, maybe I should just be grateful...

Speaking of the massage, I went to the reception to try and find out what style of massage it is. They where particularly unhelpful. But I BELIEVE that it is in fact the style once used by ancient samurai warriors... To beat information out of their captives. The moves this guy was pulling I'd pretty much never seen before. He had this one where he lent on your back with his arm at an angle and used his elbow on your lower back. Excrutiating. It did, however, do the job. Though for fans of light - moderate massages, I probably recommend you avoid Japan if this guy was anything to go by.

They also offer foot massage, which I don't really intend to try.

Hrmmm. Hungry. Need to eat soon.

Haven't eaten since my continental breakfast... Though... Well, did I just not get the memo? I thought a continental breakfast involved... Well, something other than bread. Perhaps it's the language barrier again, which is quickly becoming my arch-nemesis (Try to ask a Japanese person that you're looking for something comfortable. Even if they're quite fluent in English, it's an interesting endeavor.). He did mention something about a cooked breakfast... Maybe I just need to get there a bit earlier.. Maybe he was telling me the chef had run off or something? I don't know. I'll find out tomorrow. 2 cups of OJ, 2 cups of tea, a cup of water and two slices of warm buttered bread isn't the most substantial thing in the world.

Speaking of warm, it is. Japan I mean, not some bread sitting in my digestive track (Incidentally, White bread doesn't have enough fibre to pass itself, so start taking metamucil or swap to one which is higher in fibre.).

And back to Japan.

I think it's mainly the humidity, forecast temperature was only mid twenties I think... But it was stifling. I was walking around like a horrid sweaty pig at one or two points. I did discover the pleasures of a cup full of ice shavings with some flavour though, and a few pinches of fruit at the bottom. Speaking of food again, I'd best go eat before they close the restauraunt. When I return: Present shopping.

Stay tuned true believer.

-Paused for the sake of my stomach-

Oh yes, I tried Sake the other night. Quite nice really. Very aromatic smell and very light flavour. Some kick though...

-Continued with a full belly-

Dinner wasn't bad. However, I bring it up because of course there's a but. I ordered sirloin steak (Anyone know the number of Mad Cow outbreaks in Japan?) medium. Normally I'm a medium rare kinda guy, but I've learnt from experience it's usually best to go with Medium when you're travelling and such just to be sure. So I ordered my medium steak. Sat back, ate my entree of potato chips and fried chicken (Odd entree, I agree) and then the steak arrived. Now... I'm no expert on Japan, but I'd assume that steak cooking is more or less a constant worldwide, and if this was medium then their version of rare must be if they just bring the cow out and sit it down in front of you.

I think it was the most pink and bloodied piece of meat I've ever seen, and I normally like medium rare. Now... I generally play softball. Ever since my own experience in retail, I've tried to be pretty darn lenient when it comes to mistakes. Sometimes they just happen. What annoys me is when I play nice guy and the person serving me uses this as an opportunity to try and talk me out of it. Case in point, I get a waiter over and ask if I can have my steak cooked more well done. He checks my order and comes back to tell me that I ordered medium.I then showed him the steak while explaining that it was a very red medium and said 'If that's medium, I'd like it well done please.'. Now when he saw the steak, he sort of stopped and looked at it. And in the end I got it back medium rare.

Now I don't know... I've never worked in food preperation and serving... I've never worked with a mob of foreigners in Japan... Maybe his reaction was expected...? But it annoyed me.

Anyway.

Present shopping in Japan. It's a lot more difficult than I would of guessed. Firstly, the shops are not on every street. You have to take the subway to and from, which can get a little confuing. Once you're in the right area, you have to find the shops. This is when it gets fun. The map I had from the hotel doesn't really clearly display street names, but that's ok, there doesn't seem to be any street signs anyway. In the end I did find the department stores, but they did not hold the bounty of gifts I had hoped for. Anime is also suprisingly hard to find, most places only have a stand of it, so roughly the same sort of variety as you find in your local civic. In the end I found a place with about 4 stands of anime, from which I made purchases, but that had problems too.

Funnily enough, DVDs sold in Japan are made for Japan, to the point of seeming to exclude a subtitle track. One of the DVDs also I found out is only a teaser. A cool teaser, but a teaser none the less. At this stage I'm clinging to the vague hope that the Astroboys are only without English Subtitles because my Mac Lappy and VLC are acting weird, but I won't know for sure till I can get back to my home system. Menus aren't displaying and some other interesting things are going on, so at this stage it's a valid though slim hope. Otherwise I blew a lot of dosh on a boxed set I can't actually enjoy...

Clothes shoppping is near impossible because of language barriers and a different sizing system. But I'm over that. Now I just have to hope all the clothes bought during the trip fit. (Most are presents.)

Also found that as soon as you're pretty much done shopping you remember someone who you should of probably gotten something for. I've got about 3 people who I would of liked to get something for but either forgot about or didn't see anything appropriate. Hrmmm.

Oh, but don't worry. Most of you are taken care of. Those of you who didn't ne-mail me though might be stuffed, but I've got a few spare presents in case I forgot anyone. Not that I forgot YOU of course. Yep. As soon as you send me an e-mail demanding tribute for that time you let me look at your sisters underwear draw in highschool or whatever, I'll happen to remember the piece of stand-in cr--... Excellent gift I bought you.

Sure.

Right.

Oh, and for those of you who did make the present list:
If you don't like it, feel free to return it yourself.

Hrmmm... Anything else to say...

Most Presents for a single person goes to Tina, as does Most money spent on a single gift. But you could of probably guessed that.

Gift most likely not to be liked probably goes to Mark, which is bad, because it wasn't cheap and is likely to make up a part of his Birthday present (He's 21 in another month or two.).

Gift that isn't really a Gift goes to my Big Bro with an iPod Mini. It's not really a gift because it's really being payed for by my dad at Ians request. Sort of. It gets complicated. But it's like... If your dad gave you $50, and your mum asked you to get her a bag of flour, and you used some of the $50 to get it. But your Dad had told you he meant to get your mum something anyway. It's more like I'm the middle man, see? Have I confused the issue yet? Really? Good.

Present most likely to be confiscated goes to me, with a BB gun. Ur... I mean replica pistol. Closely followed by Caz. Apparently Australia frowns on animal based product import, even when it's small amounts like candy.

Least thoughtful present goes to most of you with stock standard candy or chew toys. Yes, those are your actual gifts, not stop gaps.

Most inapporpiate gift goes to Jonesy. He told me he got Norwegian porn once as a present from a friend who'd been overseas. So I got him some Jap porn to go with it. Well.. I think it's porn... I can't read Japanese and it's a sealed mag.

People most likely to end up with a stuffed Nessie as a present because I couldn't find them anything are Tim, Brian and probably YOU.

Person most likely to owe me money but refuse to pay goes to Doc. I picked up some DVD over here that I figured he might like. I don't know. He wasn't really specific. I suppose if he refuses to pay operation damp pillow goes into full effect...

Well, that's the presents awards. Or as I like to think of them, "The awards for the present". Haha. You know, Terry Pratchett readers would probably find that play on words titilating. No, no, I meant to put titilating there (Give or take a spelling mistake.)

Biggest disapointment so far, other than the lack of women to pay for sex and no used panties vending machine, is probably either the lack of Giant Robots strolling down the streets or the lack of see-through skirts. Hard to say. Let me explain: I read somewhere (Menshealth, FHM, IDK) that the latest fad in Japan were skirts that had a print on them to look like you could see through them (Thighs and panties). I haven't seen a single one. In fact, no Freaks of Fashion thus far.

People here are extremly pleasant. VERY courteous. Almost too courteous. And unfortunately, they all think in Japanese, so I can't read their minds to tell me if they're thinking bad thoughts. Paranoid? Hah! Not paranoid if there are mind sucking insect bugs! Also on the neurosis front, my left eye developed a twitch about two weeks back. Not constant but frequent enough to be annoying. Here's hoping it's not the onset of Mad Cows or something equally unpleasant, 'eh?

And now, let us have a moments silence. Why? Because, as a teenage boy, I grew up on Anime, suckling at it's sweet sweet teat of panty flashing entertainment (That word keeps showing up. Yes. Damn "of"[1]. Goddamn joining words...). Now, I am in a country filled with attractive Asian women, my blonde hair beckoning to them like a moth to a flame. And I can't morally or ethically touch any of them. I am very upset.

And on that tired note it's time for me to sleep. Good news is my body clock is more or less back on W.A. time.

See you all in two sleeps time. Or about two weeks after I post this and you finally get around to reading it.

-Stuart
"I'm turning Japanesee yes I'm turning japanesee yes I think so" [3]

[1] No. I don't really mean "of". That was my mercury like wit sliding smoothly from one subject to another. Bet you didn't even notice the transition. Scooby Snack to those of you who laughed. Bitterly. While not sending me an e-mail to say welcome home... I'm not bitter[2]...

[2] This may in fact be a lie. No one has as of yet tried to eat me, at least, that I'm aware of. I may in fact be composed of a cloud soft crust and gentle, warm, chewy caramel centre with hints of aromatic lilacs. Keep your thieveing hands off my lilacs!

[3] This is not, in fact, the national anthem of Japan. Nor is it played for you on arrival at their air port. The shame.

-Addendum-
Well. It's 3 o'clock sunday your time. In 14 hours I'll be back in Australia, feeling like crap after 12 hours of transit. But in the meantime, I've got pocky and all is right with the world.

Given my posting style at the minute I'd recommend regular readers check the down as this will most likely have been a double post event.

So, I was walking through the airport, and suddenly I realised what my favorite part of Japan is. A complete and utter lack of street harrasers. I mean, they exist. They're here perpetrating the usual evils against humanity like handing out coupons and fliers, but as soon as they see my gargantuan caucasian form approach, they fall silent, scuttling back into the shadows from whence they came, fearing me and the foul English language I represent. I love being an ignorant foreigner.

And now to turn our attention briefly to the poor Pocky I'm currently devouring. The reason is the Pocky itself is not strictly speaking mine. It's a present. I bought two boxes. But, finding myself short on money and food and wondering if I could actually get the damn stuff through Aussie customs... Well. In the words of Xander Harris, "Sorry junior, but a mans got to eat.". Mike, No pocky for you! Well, just the one packet.

Have I mentioned that being tied into a monogamous relationship just before going on holiday to the promised land of Asian honeys is a bad things? As is, more than likely, stating this point not once but twice in an article that your girlfriend (Or in this case, mine) is going to read.

Oh well. You get that on the big jobs. At a guess, I assume the bounty of presents already in my possesion for said bustier half will probably make up the difference. Who needs flowers when you have cheap crap from gift shops?

Changing direction somewhat, who here has seen lost in translation? I recommend it to you. And if that's not good enough (And I can't blame you, I have some odd taste.) it also carries the mark of approval from both Glen AND Dwight. That's a trifector folks. Go forth and devour it's goodness.

The actual reason I raise this movie is because of.. Well, two thing I guess. One, there's a scene where one of the characters is using the subway. I trod down what could of been the actual stairs from the movie for the similairty, but they all look much the same. No dirty old man reading Hentai though.

The other reason is that the two characters, from memory, seem to suffer from a perpetual state of insomnia. I think it might be something in the water. I woke up at about... 3 am this morning? And couldn't get back to sleep since. I did manage to get an uncomfortable half hour on the bus over here. My spine cries out for the sweet merciful justice of my chiropractor.

Oh yes. Japanese television is highly entertaining. I still can't speak more than 4 words of Japanese, but it's still immensely entertaining. I'm not sure whether the live actors are trying to recreate anime, or whether the odd facial expressions from anime (Like sweat dropping) are taken from TV. Ah well. Still. Crazy stuff.

Also of interest on the TV front is the advertising over here. It's dominated by Caucasian models/actors. It's really quite odd. Or bleached blonde asians.

Oh yes. Went to the Sony store yesterday. I think the only thing missing from having a completely sony branded home is the sony sink, stove and bricks. It's crazy the amount of stuff sony do now. I even saw a couple of PSXs. decided against buying one though, you know, seeing as I still retain enough common sense to tie my own shoes. Saw the latest generation Aibo though. Close to 3 grand of Robo-dog cute. Shiny white smooth finish, it's easy to see they've come 3 generations or so already. Wonder how long till they can replace actual dogs...? Hrmmm. I guess in a place like Japan where space is at a premium they already can...

Hrmmm. Looks suspiciously like my plane has begun boarding, so I should wrap it up. See you all in 13 hours of PAIN.

-Stu

P.S. A box of Pocky will perk you up but not fill you up. Damn. Back to doping myself with Ginger it is.
posted by Unknown at 8/11/2004 08:13:00 AM [edit]